a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
