My hand turned me down
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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