Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
