sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
