oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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