his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
