omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
