Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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