So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
