Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
