I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
