My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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