I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
