Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
