I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
