it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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