this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
