I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
