I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
