You just made me feel so damn special
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
