I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
