I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
