i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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