So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
