Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
