dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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