I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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