i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
