First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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