Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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