he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
