Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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