i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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