so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
