And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
