the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
