I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
