well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
