jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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