Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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