i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
