This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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