cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
