Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
