listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
