I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
