Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
