I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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