He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
