those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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